I'm tired, my friend. Tired.

For the past year I have tried my best, teaching you whatever I know, explaining things which I can explain, and at the same time becoming more and more attached to you. After all, you can't expect that attachment to not develop with such frequent contact. Yet I sense that you take me for granted, for the fact that I'm always there, replying at your every beck and call, answering all your questions, humouring your banter.

One day if I left, would you even notice? Am I just another passer-by? Because you have torn my soul to rags.

As much as I long for your presence, you're too damaging for me.

You once asked me if I had ever done any drugs before, if I had been bold enough my answer would be: Who needs drugs when there is you? The dizzying euphoria when we interact, the depressing withdrawal when you're not there, the desperate craving for your presence once the withdrawal has passed, more potent than any drug-infatuation at its best and worst.

I'm not sure if I can do this any more. Although the next time you call, I'm not sure I will be able to hold myself from running back.

Such is the power you have over me. 

Do I stay, or do I leave. I tried to leave once, and here I am, back again, indulging in the most elaborate means of self-torture.

I think, I will walk away once more. And if you really miss me, you will come after me, won't you?

Resolution

Blog has been long dead (or rather, comatose) so I'm just gonna' give it a little electrical defibrillation to see if it will come alive this year.

Last year to be honest was not a good year with more downs than ups. Missed the mark on exams so I'm not graduating with first class honours (Screw that), got my application rejected by the place I so badly wanted to do my internship in, got hurt emotionally (Hope is a wonderful thing, yet a very dangerous thing to have under circumstances like this...).

Forgive my whining...

On the bright side, I'm still surviving, albeit scarred... I don't have to hunt around for an internship like many other people because my current supervisor took me in (Bless him, he's going to regret it but I'll try to make him not regret...) and I'm working with the same people whom I've known for 2.5 years which is good. And I'm still in the (so called) most liveable city in the world (That's bullcrap how does a city with accommodation and utilities so expensive manage to be crowned "most liveable" fk yrslf thx...)

But anyway...

It's a new year. That doesn't mean "new year new me" once the clock hits 12 to a cynic like me. In fact I spent NYE and New Year's Day working (That bonus pay tho...), no such thing as countdown, parties, having fun until the sun rises... But I do have a resolution for this year, because why not. Also because my resolution this year doesn't specify a goal, rather it will allow me to grow and learn along the way.

Cry

A simple word. This 2016 I will cry a lot. Only because I promise to push myself hard this year, to bust my limits both physically and mentally. It has been a long time since I last did anything like this. Frankly I felt I coddled myself too much in the comfort zone and that was more damaging than nourishing to my body and soul. At the end of this year, I will look back at where I was and what I have achieved, no matter how much or how little, and cry tears of joy.

Grant me the strength to face the coming pain, and hopefully at the end of it, I will be a stronger person whose tears will no longer come easy.